Monday, August 29, 2016

Don't Be Me.



WARNING TO MY INCREDIBLY DISCERNING READERSHIP: This post has nothing to do with historical sewing, and everything to do with things that aren't historical sewing.

Image result for 18th century dye pot


'Tis the season of Cosplay, and I'm up to the body part of your choice in the final stages of making two costumes. I'm in the home stretch (oh, please sewing gods, let it be so), but things got off to a rocky start. In the interest of whining about That Which Can Not Be Changed, and motivated slightly by the genuine urge to help others avoid the same mistake, I'd like to make a Costuming Public Service Announcement:

DO NOT and I repeat in all caps for fans of repetitive prose DO NOT purchase fabric that is not what you need with the intention of somehow magicking it into what you do need.

Go ahead. Laugh. I'll wait here.

Isn't this just the most sage, incredibly insightful advice ever? I know, it's common sense. Or rather, it should be common sense, but if life has taught me anything (spoiler: it hasn't), it's that sense is far from common. In this case, the lesson was annoying more than painful, but on the off-chance that there is another soul out there who is as trusting and naive as I am, I hope that my cautionary tale saves them the same frustration.

Yes, I price-shopped, and realized that I could save LITERALLY TENS OF CENTS by buying two textiles in wildly inappropriate colors, and dying it to match the material I actually wanted. Tens! And I've dyed fabric before (from a light color to a slightly darker color), plus, I dye my hair all the time! What's the big deal?? So, with a generous amount of smugness over my "thrifty" intentions, I purchased the fabric. Everything was dyed with the dregs of dye packets and bottles that I already owned. So thrifty! So frugal! It didn't quite go as expected, so then, I purchased some dye. Still thrifty! And some of it was on sale, so totally still a bit frugal!

Then, I purchased some MORE dye.

Then, I purchased some different dye.

Then, one night, I found myself sweating over my long-suffering washing machine, waiting for the optimal moment to dump my very last bottle of red dye into the drum so that it could mingle Santeria-style with some mumbled prayers and a cupful of the wrong kind of vinegar. It was well after midnight, but since the lower southeastern US is currently under a broad-spectrum weather curse (your choice: deadly floods, or triple-digit heat), my porch was only slightly cooler than the surface of the sun. In went the dye, in went the thrice-dyed "100% cotton" gauze, and for the fourth time in as many weeks, I found myself sitting on top of a running washer, contemplating my life choices.

Verdict: Not good, Threadlette. Not good at all.

In an effort to save myself the expense of paying an extra $1.60/yard for 3 yards of actually RED fabric, I spent $12 on dye. End result? Instead of red gauze, I have really really almost kind-of maybe mauve gauze that cost me the equivalent of an extra $4 per yard. Four dollars. And let's not factor in the bloody hours that I've spent on this little science project from creative hell, because that may actually sting a little.

Yes, I am somewhat pacified by the realization that it is a lot of fun to say "mauve gauze". But only somewhat.

I've learned my lesson. From now on, I'll only be dying large batches of fabric if the alternative is entirely cost-prohibitive, and/or the colors required aren't the two worst possible colors to try and dye fabric (red and black), and/or I don't have a vested interest in whatever unholy abomination emerges from my washing machine. Or maybe I'll forget all about this little lesson in three weeks. You just never really know.

Onward and upward!

13 comments:

  1. Oh ow! For reasons I won't bore you with, I too found myself dyeing two pieces of beige cotton twill in May. With boiling water, salt, vinegar, in a huge galvanized tub in the yard of a very bucolic area of the US. Fabric went into the tub with some special red dye, and I spent an hour wringing and stirring over the satanic steam, while bicyclists having a Saturday morning run whizzed by, slowing down long enough to ask each other if they'd actually witness the aftermath of a crime. Because that wet fabric looked like I was working on an audition tape for Dexter. The fabric did come out red, but despite it being the "right" kind of dye, the color bled and bled until the garments were a kind of brick. Ok, but not what I wanted. O well. Theatre on a budget says I! Mauve gauze may be the new rage...?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, for sure Mauve Gauze is the new big thing. If you're feeling extra special, be sure to use the British English pronunciation of "Mauve" and force "Gauze" to rhyme. Fun for the whole family!

      Congratulations on traumatizing random bicyclists! I've done my part over the years, mainly by doing yard work in a dirty bikini top worn with a matching pair of boxer shorts. Your method sounds more efficient.

      Delete
    2. Um, yeah, I did have my day in daisy Dukes while washing the family car, but that was during the Kennedy administration.
      Keep up the good work. I have very much missed your hilarious prose!
      NN

      Delete
  2. Bicyclists in my area luckily don't get the chance to view me in my bra-less morning state as I water plants, since we have two large dogs filled with the rage of avenging angels anytime someone unlucky enough to be two-wheeled passes by. Actually no, anything on two feet, or four, or in a schoolbus or garbage truck or delivery van or mowing the yard a few houses down...you get the idea. Thank goodness for an invisible fence.

    Well, I HAD great plans to dye some very inaccurately pink linen red, but I think you've sufficiently scared me out of that. Welcome back! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sooooo, you've got Hell Hounds living in your front yard, and you're scared of dying pink linen?

      My work here is done. :D

      But seriously, maybe give it a shot anyway? I was trying to get white gauze to be red, and coral gauze to be black. (Long story, but at the time I initially started this experiment, I'd planned to dye the coral red as well.) I think that the pink COULD be reddened quite a lot, but I'd be surprised if anything in the iDye or Rit family of chemicals will actually get you to a true red. It'll look red in the pot, but by the time it's rinsed a few times, it will be mauve (or brick, as AuntieNan said). You may want to look into something more potent. Like maybe something with Napalm or the blood of innocents in it. Whatever you do, please blog about it so that I can either live vicariously through you if you succeed, or murmur sympathetically if you end up in the same boat with me.

      Delete
    2. Ok, now I will get scientific with y'all bwahahahaha! I went to Aljo Dye in New York City -- they do a brisk online business as well, and if I'd listened to the instructions and actually read the paper full of how tos they gave me, instead of plowing forward in my own Hell Hound imitation, I might have achieved a darker brick. Contact them and tell them your fabric content and your color goal and you will probably do much better than I. They are terrific -- AlJo Dye at 49'Walker St., NY, NY 10013. 866-293-8913, www.aljodye.com.

      Delete
    3. Thank you!!! I'm definitely keeping this in mind for my next Adventure in Alternate Pigmentation Regret. Particularly if I need to dye something truly black, because that was a whole different kettle of rapidly decaying fish.

      Delete
    4. I'll use the blood of innocent passers-by who are unlucky enough to get too close to the hell hounds...yes, that sounds like the most surefire way to achieve the best red. I do NOT have pit bulls or German Shepherds or anything of the like; one is a 9 month old black lab and one is a goofy-looking wirehaired pointer who grows a beard worthy of a tophat and monocle. I don't understand the ferocity!

      Delete
    5. It's always the goofy ones you have to look out for.

      Delete
  3. And this is also how I ended up on a dark patio at 11 pm with some silver spray paint and some polyester (why did I even try?!!!!) that I'd tried to dye. Spray paint worked great, although fabric needs to stay in a well ventilated area....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES the spray paint struggle is real! I use spray paint to artificially age some of the cosplay pieces I make, and they never fail to retain that smell of chemical goodness for at least a couple of years. How??? I actually spray painted a skirt for one of the costumes I used for DragonCon this year. Nothing quite like unpacking something that immediately makes the entire hotel room smell like a freshly tagged skate park.

      Delete
  4. I am impressed that you managed to find the perfect Medieval painting to depict your dyeing woes! And, as always, you make me laugh every time I read your blog. Keep being you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chellllseeeeea!

      I owe you a year-overdue email.

      The dye picture was a lucky find. I wish I could take credit for having a mental catalog of Extremely Appropriate Images for every post, but in reality, my Googling skills are the crutch. #ThreadHeadQuality

      Delete