If Blogs were like children, the state would have taken mine away by now.

Awesomeness.

So these past two months of never, ever posting have been AMAZING. I wrote most of this post last month, when I'd only been absent from these hallowed grounds for about 3 weeks. Don't worry: It's been updated for additional pathos!  For everyone who is completely in thrall of my personal life, pray, read onward!

* I have had the most incredible combination of plagues. After toughing it out for a couple of weeks, I finally went to the doctor (much fanfare and fuss and all that). I was diagnosed with a sinus infection, acute bronchitis, and "a touch of pneumonia." Apparently, my doctor is a fan of nuance.

* Finals week happened, which was great except for the fact it lasted two weeks, not including the ever-excellent "Week Before Finals: Tournament of Badassery." (You know, that magical four day period before exams when EVERY SINGLE PROJECT IS DUE?) So that's three weeks of Academic Purgatory with a dose of Thread-Headed procrastination for the win!

* After worrying over it for a day, I decided to foster a stray cat that appeared at my work one night. After worrying over it for less than an evening, the cat decided to chew through a 60-year old steel screen and flee into the unknown night rather than spend another moment in my home. What can I say? I have a way with animals.

Sweet little tuxedo man outside of my store, before the jail-breaking at my house later that night. Please send good thoughts his way.

* In a fit of sleep deprivation-fueled insanity during the sickies, I found myself in the makeup aisle at Target where I bought a tube of red lipstick. This proved to be the exact same terrible idea that it has been the last 12 times that I bought a tube of red lipstick. Generally speaking, I look like a female. (Not bragging. I really sort of do.) Add an extra dash of eye makeup and some red lipstick? I look like a man in drag. Red lipstick #13 is now enjoying an ignominious burial in a purse I plan to never open again. **5.31.13 Update: I bought another tube of red lipstick. This one may be an improvement, because I look like a hooker now rather than a sexually confused lumberjack.

* I emerged from the chrysalis three weeks ago to check my email, whereupon I discovered that I was supposed to give a speech to some people on the following Tuesday (oops) about a museum exhibit I had to put up a week later (crap.) But it was okay because I had to give a presentation on that Friday, too. Different group of people, same disappointed glares. Gotta love it.

* Despite lacking coordination, motivation or any natural sense of joint articulation, I've decided to go "jogging" on my free mornings this Summer. This has resulted in every 10:00 a.m. Mommy Walker in the county protectively steering their strollers away from me as I "jog" down the path. I don't blame them. I managed to hit myself in the face twice on my first morning out, with my own hands. (In all fairness, I have it on good authority that I run like Jar Jar Binks.)

Here's your ticket to... the gun show. 

Also: that bottle of green food coloring has been there, along with his friend the solitary star candle, for at least 3 months. 

* Historical Sew Fortnightly Who? Yeah. I've been bad. Keeping up with the sew-a-thon was a good way of organizing my time. I really need to get back into it, with some alterations. Starting ASAP, I'm working on a research project for school. Southern Ladies' College uniforms c. 1895-1910, anyone?? Hopefully, the upcoming HSF challenges will include things like "Make A Nineteenth Century Woollen Suit Entirely Based On Two Grainy Photographs" and "Create Several Nearly-Identical Blouses With Gigot Sleeves Based On A Vague Student Handbook Reference."

And to wrap up the wall of belligerent rambling, I'm happy to report that my absence of two months has not gone unnoticed! I've gained 15 (undoubtedly loyal) readers since my last post. The secret to building a readership here at Ye Olde Snippet is apparently to avoid any and all forms of contact with you guys. For giving my fragile ego a much-needed boost, I say THANK YOU!

More lies and whimsy to come! Be back soon!